Non-Sequitur Information
Here are some interesting memos that I have acuired over the years, most from the 90's:
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Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
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Dormitory
Evangelist
Desperation
The Morse Code
Slot Machines
Animosity
Mother-in-law
Snooze Alarms
Alec Guinness
Semolina
The Public Art Galleries
A Decimal Point
The Earthquakes
Eleven plus two
Contradiction
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Dirty Room
Evil's Agent
A Rope Ends It
Here Come Dots
Cash Lost in 'em
Is No Amity
Woman Hitler
Alas! No More Z's
Genuine Class
Is No Meal
Large Picture Halls, I Bet
I'm a Dot in Place
That Queer Shake
Twelve plus one
Accord not in it
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This one's truly amazing:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
>
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
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And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
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Nope, one more!
The following phrase is an ironic anagram to start the impeachment trial:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
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Office Buttons: Sayings that should be on buttons... pinned to my shirt ...
Do I look like a damn people person?
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Adults are just kids who owe money.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
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New Computer Viruses
> Ellen Degeneres virus..............Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
> Monica Lewinsky virus............Sucks all the memory out of your computer
> Titanic virus.............................Makes your whole computer go down
> Disney virus.............................Everything in the computer goes Goofy
> Mike Tyson virus.....................Quits after one byte
> Prozac virus..............................Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
> Sharon Stone virus...................Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
> Lorena Bobbit virus..................Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
> Tim Allen virus.........................Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
> Woody Allen virus...................Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
> Saddam Hussein virus.............Won't let you into any of your programs
> Tonya Harding virus.................Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
> George Michaels virus..............Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
> Joey Buttafuoco virus...............Only attacks minor files
> X-files virus..............................All your Icons start shape shifting
> Spice Girl virus.........................Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
> Ronald Reagan virus..................Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
> Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus...........Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
> Sony Bono virus........................Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere
> Martha Stewart virus.................Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little
doilies to be displayed on your desktop
> Oprah Winfrey virus.................Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to300MB
> AT&T virus...............................Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
> MCI virus..................................Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
> Arnold Schwarzenegger virus....Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
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Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
"The people have been witness to the mortifying spectacle of the President going about from town to town ... denouncing his opponents, bandying epithets with men in the crowd, and praising himself and his policies. Such a humiliating exhibition has never before been seen, nor anything even approaching to it." --The Brooklyn Independent, Sept. 13, 1866, reporting on Andrew Johnson
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TWO RULES FOR SUCCESS
1. Never tell a person everything you know.
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Kids' Outlooks on Marriage
* How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." - Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10
* Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" - Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!" - Freddie, age 6
* How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." - Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." - Derrick, age 8
* What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
"Both don't want no more kids." - Lori, age 8
* What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." - Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, age 10
* What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." - Craig, age 9
* When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich!"
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and
have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
* The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm
never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out!"
Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to
clean up after them!"
Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
change
no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something
out.
I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and
diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
* What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and
diseases
together."
Marlon, age 10
* How to Make a Marriage Work
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck!"
Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8
* Getting Married for a Second Time
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one
to find a live one."
Angie L., age 10
* How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
"Behind its carefully crafted public-relations image and the many fine
and
ethical people it may employ, the body of a corporation is its
corporate
charter, a legal document, and money is its blood. It is at its core
an
alien entity with one goal: to reproduce money to nourish and
replicate
itself. Individuals are dispensable."
David Korten, "When Corporations Rule the World"
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>These are spelling and grammar errors found on chart review at a
>hospital on the east coast:
>
>The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>
>The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
>pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
>
>Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>
>The skin was moist and dry.
>
>Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
>
>The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
>
>She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
>1989 when she got a divorce.
>
>Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
>
>The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
>ran out of gas and crashed.
>
>I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
>therapy.
>
>The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
>
>Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his
family
>in no distress.
>
>Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>
>When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
>
>The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who
>is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
>
>Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
>Angeles.
>
>She is numb from her toes down.
>
>Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
>
>While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
>
>The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a
>stockbroker instead.
>
>The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
>
>Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
>
At 02:29 AM 11/26/98 -0700, you wrote:
>
>happy turkey and all the trimmings!
>i'll send this to you, as i don't get much response out of michael
>i don't recall whether you ever met john french, once a student of
mine
>and known to michael, i think, primarily as a tenor
>he sings in the chorale that frequently performs with the l.a. phil,
etc.
>anyhow john and wife ellen have two kids here in music and
they--viola and
>string bass--did a joint recital tues and yesterday i had john and
ellen
>up for b-fast
>i'll probably join the clan late today for dessert, as i don't eat
meat
>anyhow, i was so impressed with what these two have done with a
family
>(two further sons came along)
>as a group they are an anachronism and give hope in this otherwise
>dante-esque pit of despair
>xxx,
>wes
>
If you can't be a good example,
you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
--Catherine Aird ***
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Motivation Guidelines? NOT!
Subject: Motivation - Forwarded
Things we'd like to see on company motivational posters...
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) Sure you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6) If you're think we're bad, you should see our competitors! (We suck less.)
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "K" in "Kwality."
9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE...
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
15) Two days without a human rights violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17) We are MicroSoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22) This can't go on forever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.
23) Never quit until you have another job.
24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Are we all feeling motivated yet?
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DICTIONARY OF USEFUL RESEARCH PHRASES
"It has long been known..."
I didn't look up the original references
"A definite trend is evident..."
This data is practically meaningless
"Of great theoretical and practical importance..."
Interesting to me
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these
questions..."
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..."
The results of the others didn't make any sense
"Typical results are shown..."
The best results are shown
"These results will be shown in a subsequent report..."
I might get around to this if I'm pushed
"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones..."
He was my graduate assistant
"It is believed that..."
I think
"It is generally believed that..."
A couple of other guys think so, too
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a
complete
understanding of the phenomenon occurs..."
I don't understand it
"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
Wrong
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in
this
field..."
This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this
miserable topic
"A careful analysis of obtainable data..."
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over my
beer
"Reasonable order of magnitude..."
Wild guess
"Non-trivial problem..."
It doesn't work, but if we throw enough money at it, something's
bound to happen
"Within the current state of the art..."
Maybe we can do it
"On the leading edge of technology..."
It ought to be possible - send more money!
"Given a reasonable preventive maintenance program..."
Buy our service contract
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Welfare oldies but goodies .....
The following are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support .....
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he
was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one
of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced
to lead an immortal life.
You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to
twins in the enclosed envelope.
***
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