(This may not make perfect sense to those of you who've never worked for a large corporation...)

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Television

__ Book of Mormon

__ Koran

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Dead Sea Scrolls

__ My Mama Done Tol' Me

__ Near Death Experience

__ Near Life Experience

__ National Public Radio

__ Tabloid

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Yahweh

__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

__ Jehovah

__ Jesus

__ Krishna

__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

__ Odin and entourage [Valhallah Pak]

__ Allah

__ Satan

__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)

__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please check all that apply:

__ Not eternal

__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

__ Not omniscient

__ Not omnipotent

__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

__ Permits sex outside of marriage

__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Jesse Helms)

__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

__ Requires burnt offerings

__ Requires virgin sacrifices

__ Plays dice with the Universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed focus in whom to despise

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense

__ Matriculated from Tooth Fairy

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents

__ Needed a day away from work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Like Organ Music

__ Need to feel Morally Superior

__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

__ Shit was falling out of the sky

__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Mick Jagger

__ Rajanish

__ Baal

__ The Almighty Dollar

__ Bill Gates

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ The Radical Right

__ Ra

__ Beelzebub

__ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ The Great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun

__ Elvis

__ Cindy Crawford

__ The Moon

__ TV News

__ A burning shrubbery

__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll

__ Biorhythms

__ Alcohol

__ Bill Clinton

__ Tea Leaves

__ EST

__ CompuServe

__ Mantras

__ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

__ Human Sacrifice

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering around a desert

__ Insurance policies

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ Barney Fife

__ Other:_____________________

__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters:

flood 1 2 3 4 5

famine 1 2 3 4 5

earthquake 1 2 3 4 5

war 1 2 3 4 5

pestilence 1 2 3 4 5

plague 1 2 3 4 5

SPAM 1 2 3 4 5

AOL 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles:

rescues 1 2 3 4 5

spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5

stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5

crying statues 1 2 3 4 5

water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5

walking on water 1 2 3 4 5

VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5

Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5

getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of your conveniently located drop-off boxes by the end of the month you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).

...And in closing, "In the heart of even the noblest character there is a dark corner where a disorderly rabble watches for its chance to break forth." --Arthur Friedheim