Here are some interesting memos that I have acuired over the years, most from the 90's:
|Tech Support or Psychology? The Odd Customer
Laws of Japanese Animation
Searching for Pagan Humor
Bad Ideas for Children's Books
GOD'S Total Quality Management Questionnaire
That Pesky Y0K Problem
The Laws of Jedi Master: Mace Windu
Star Wars Pants
Redneck Drivers License Application
Back to Links
Tech Support or Psychology? The Odd Customer (author unknown)
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representitive was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, someething has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command. Maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
After a few minutes of going round and round...
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But, NO; he calls back four hours later!]
Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost...
Laws of Japanese Animation
(Version 5.0, by: Ryan Shellito and Darrin Bright)
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Accoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
#11 - Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corrallary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corrallary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13 - Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.
#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly porportional to its size.
#15 - Law of Inexhaustability
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corrallary -
The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corrallary -
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corrallary -
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.
#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo. (* Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more. *)
#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 galons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.
#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignifigant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't....
#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things.... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
#24 - Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism
The really nasty 'Bad Guys' are always skinny Americans.
#25 - Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual Inferiority
The stupid 'Good Guys' are always big Americans.
First Corrallary -
The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)
Second Corrallary -
The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
#26 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at
which they are speaking.
#27 - Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any
#28 - Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
#29 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
#30 - Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#31 - Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#32 - Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
#33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
#34 - Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow.
Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corrallary (Cryo-Adaptability) -
All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corrallary (Indecent Invulnerability) -
Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
#35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on...especially if they have never attempted these things before.
If you have any suggestions, comments, or additions for the Laws of
Japanese Animation, feel free to e-mail them! You can send e-mail to:
Citizen Dave [Questions@TrooperPX.com]
Don't make suggestions too specific to one series or movie... they should be general enough to be a "universal law".
Searching for Pagan Humor (Newsgroups: soc.religion.paganism)
- - - - - - - Comming soon
Bad Ideas for Children's Books (I understand this appeared in The Washington Post, Sunday, June 28,1998, Pg.F2. "The Style Invitational: Report from Week 273, in which you were asked to come up with bad ideas for a children's book...")
"You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
"Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
"Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)
"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion" (David Genser, Arlington)
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, Pa.)
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
"Where's Godot?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" (David Genser, Arlington)
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
"All Dogs Go to Hell" (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" (John Kammer, Herndon)
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" (Kenneth Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" (Martin Keutel, Alexandria)
"Bi-Curious George" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" (Russ Beland, Springfield)
"You Are Different and That's Bad" (Christopher Richard, Springfield)
... And in closing, "In the heart of even the noblest character there is a dark corner where a disorderly rabble watches for its chance to break forth." --Arthur Friedheim
Airline Safety ("Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. (Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)
From the "squawk sheets":
1. Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
2. Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
3. Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
4. Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
5. Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
6. Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
7. Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
8. Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
9. Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
10. Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce Problem on ground."
11. Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
12. Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
That Pesky Y0K Problem (author unknown)
Are you still working on the Y-zero-K problem?
This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left.
I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master Mace Windu," say in the Star Wars Prequel. (For those that don't know, Samuel L. Jackson is appearing as aJedi Master in the new Star Wars prequel coming out in 1999.)
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the motherfucker's a carpet. Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. What's the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Badass Motherfucker" on it.
25 Lines From Star Wars That Can Be Improved if you substitute the word "Pants"
1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your sister!
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
********************** THE OTAKU'S PSALM **********************
Anime is my obsession; I shall not go out.
I lieth down before the video screen and player: I watcheth
episode after episode with intensity and fervor.
Anime restoreth my soul: it leadeth me in the search of
laserdiscs for my obsession's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
dubs, I will fear no Trish Ledoux: for subtitles art with me;
Takahashi and Fujishima comfort me.
Fellow otaku preparest a fansub for me outside the presence of
copyright lawyers: thou anointest my ears with Nihongo;
my sake cup runneth over.
Surely lonliness and blurred vision shall follow me all the
days of my life: and I will dwell in front of the screen forever.
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_]
Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_]Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck
____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The NationalEnquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Armed and Ready!
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles
What's a paved road?
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